i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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