He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
