just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
