drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
