I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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