My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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