I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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