I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
