True but thats because hes a fetus.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
sarcasm needs its own font
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
