can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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