Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
