I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
