guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
