Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
