So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
