Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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