At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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