My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
