we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
