Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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