you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the condom got lost in my hair
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
