In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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