I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Randomize
