Don't make out with my wife yet
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
