Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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