I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
