forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
