I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
