I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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