After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
