he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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