Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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