I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
