Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
