Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
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I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
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ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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