I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
