Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
meet me or not, i'm out of control
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
