I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
