There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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