You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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