is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I checked into jail on foursquare
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
