I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
