I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
