I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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