remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
