I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
is it fun? or sober?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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