Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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