am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
