Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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