If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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