You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
