you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
