it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
