I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You brought string cheese to the strip club
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
