I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
