I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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